One nice thing about starting work in a new place or moving to a new city is that you have a chance to reinvent yourself. At my first Canadian job in 2000, I made the mistake of revealing too much personal information about myself to my coworkers from day one. Looking back, I see I was trying to use self-deprecating humour to put people at ease and be less threatening. By the time I figured out this had been a mistake, it was too late. I couldn’t roll the tape back and start over.
My next job gave me an opportunity to try again. This time I acted and dressed more professionally for the first year. This was enough time for me to establish myself in everyone’s eyes as the smart and diligent employee that I am. By the second year, I was thought of as virtually indispensable, at which point I could let it all hang out without fear of being ostracized or looked down upon for my odd ways.
My new volunteer job at the hospice and the teaching job I hope to land this year both give me opportunities to reinvent myself in a key area for my personal growth: assertiveness.
I did some work with a therapist in this area twenty years ago, which succeeded in getting me past the really life-crippling degree of social anxiety, manifested by such things as panic at the thought of having to ask a stranger for the time, or ask a friend for a favour. I’ve done more work on my own and feel I’ve continued to make progress over the years, but I know that I still tend to handle challenging situations in one of two ways–both ways being unhealthy.
I’ll give you a couple of example scenarios.
Tactic #1 – Avoidance.
At the beginning of a weekend of trial employment at a halfway house for youth, I was told of a few rules that I would be expected to follow were I to become a house parent. These included such things as not being seen smoking in front of the residents, enforcing the strict rule prohibiting the use of substances or alcohol on the grounds, requiring all riders to fasten seat belts before taking them anywhere in the van, etc.
Over the course of the weekend, I noticed that most of the counselors did not have the least degree of respect for any of these rules. They certainly did not appear to me to take seriously their responsibility to be good role models for these trouble young people. At most, some counselors paid lip service to the rules (perhaps for my benefit), while one house parent with a very strong personality flouted them without compunction, laughing when she broke the speed limit while taking us somewhere in the van. I was the only one buckled up.
My response at that time was simply to withdraw my application. When asked why I no longer wanted to work there, I was honest with the interviewer. I was able to be honest because I knew I would never see those people again; I had nothing to lose. The situation stayed with me and troubled me for weeks as I fell asleep each night thinking of those kids with no good role models to help them turn their lives around. I fantasized that SOMEONE with a strong enough personality might go in there and assume a leadership role. I was sorry that someone could not be me.
Tactic #2 – Being too abrasive
Sometimes I stuff my feelings for too long and then I erupt like a little volcano. At my first insurance job, we got an email from management announcing a decision that reflected very poor planning and a total lack of consideration for the effect that decision would have on employees. I had not yet been there one year, and so I was not one of the people aversely affected by the decision. Nevertheless, I was so steamed that I hit REPLY ALL and gave the sender of the email a piece of my mind. And yes, I knew that I had hit REPLY ALL rather than REPLY.
Later that day the H.R. director called me into his office for a reprimand.
I could give you many more examples, but that’s the gist of it. I am either unwilling to rock the boat and keep my opinions to myself, or I bottle my feelings for too long and end up blurting something out in such a way that feels judging and critical to others involved.
I want to learn the fine art of expressing how I see things and steering how things are done while maintaining good relations with others.
Each time a situation presents itself, I tell myself that it’s a chance to practice finding that middle ground. One concept that has helped me is that of choosing ones battles. Though I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing which situations call for the “don’t sweat the small stuff” rule, it can sometimes still be hard for me to distinguish between things that need changing and things I need to learn to accept. I blame my literal mindedness and the fondness for rules that goes with it.
The new volunteer job in the hospice kitchen is giving me lots of opportunity to, once again, become a new and more appropriately assertive Kelly.
I’ll give you some of the situations, all of which have to do with rules. Which ones do I follow? Which violations are not for me to worry about? And which ones offer me an opportunity to practice leadership by example?
- During my training I was told that the snacks and coffee are donated daily by a local couple who own a franchise. Everything is free for visitors, staff, residents and volunteers. But this generous gift comes with the following conditions: to protect the reputation of the brand/franchise, we must keep the stations clean and neat; not let the coffee sit for longer than 20 minutes; not freeze the soup or keep it more than 8 hours; toss out the rolls and bagels at the end of the day; dispose of remaining cookies, donuts, muffins when a new batch arrives in the morning.
My challenge: none of the other volunteers follow the 20-minute coffee rule. Because it is so wasteful, they cannot bring themselves to pour out a pot of coffee. I was told it was okay to stretch it to 30 minutes, but many volunteers and staff do not change the coffee for an hour, sometimes two hours. I am as averse to waste as anyone–probably more so–but I see this as a violation of the agreement between the philanthropists and the recipient.
My question to you is not what do I do, because I have already decided I am going to follow the rule. This is an example of a situation where I already know what I’m going to do, but don’t know how to respond when someone comments on my doing it, which someone inevitably does. I want to find the response that puts them at ease rather than the one that makes them feel judged by me, in which case I will have contributed to a breakdown in staff harmony.
2. During my training I was shown the weekly monthly dinner menu and told that the meat would be thawed either by the the volunteer on the previous dinner shift or the one on that day’s breakfast shift. I was also told that the person who works the four hours right before me will get supper started. If it’s a casserole, for example, it will be assembled and all I will have to do it put it in the oven and whip up a side dish or two. I was specifically instructed (and this is in writing in our manual) NOT to alter the menu for any reason other than being out of one of the ingredients.
My challenge: The person who has the breakfast shift on my day has repeatedly decided that there are not enough people eating to warrant going ahead with the planned dinner menu. I was waiting to see if this was a pattern, and after six weeks I can say that it is a solid pattern. By the time I arrive, that volunteer is no longer there, but has relayed to the lunch volunteer what to tell me: that there are enough leftover bits of this and that, so they didn’t bother with supper prep.
What really pisses me off is that this leaves me with one or two or sometimes three residents who are indeed expecting a decent supper, but the thawing and chopping hasn’t been done. This pattern is taking the joy out of the job for me. I LOVE going into a certain (hungry) person’s room with a fantastic dinner fresh off the stove. I like fussing over the presentation and only using fresh veggies, no frozen packages.
Just as I was grappling with the question of when to speak up and to whom to address my concern, something changed. The wonderful man who trained me and who is a chef now has the shift before me every other week. He and I are of the same philosophy when it comes to giving the residents a top rate culinary experience every time, and so I now only have to deal with the repercussions of the morning volunteer’s unilateral decisions every other week.
Do I say something to the volunteer coordinator? Ugh, I hate this. Because if I do say something and she in turn leaves a memo or speaks to those on shift before me, now there’s conflict that I did not deal with directly on my own. The coordinator probably doesn’t want to be pulled into it, either. Or do I say something directly to the breakfast and lunch volunteers who work my day? Sigh.
These are just two examples, but this sort of thing comes up for me all the time. When you tell me a rule, I take it literally and seriously. That’s how my brain works and that’s my personality. I tend to see instantly through to the reasons behind rules. Lock the door because there are narcotics on the premises. Knock before entering a resident’s room because they have all the rights in that room as they would have in their own homes, i.e., this is not a hospital. Don’t use the same cutting board for the chicken as for the vegetables because you don’t want to put anyone through three days of vomiting and diarrhea.
When I agree with the reason behind a rule, it makes me uncomforable and confused to discover that I’m the only one adhering to it. If, on the other hand, I don’t agree with a rule or suspect that the original reason for the development of the rule no longer exists, I don’t just break the rule. I go to those in power and suggest modifying or eliminating the rule. Until it is revoked, however, I continue to follow it. You can imagine how well I fit in when I lived in orderly Japan and Germany! Fitting in, though, is not my usual forte.
So… what I am asking you for help with is this. One: how do I determine which rule infringements are not worth making a deal over? And when I decide an issue is worth pressing, how do I go about it in such a way that I don’t end up being perceived as the troublemaker, self-assigned police, or just plain weird.
To all those willing to give this some thought, I am grateful for your help.
