Being Brave

Back when Jessie sponsored the Be Brave project and a bunch of bloggers committed to doing one thing each day that scares them, I didn’t participate.  But now, inspired by Olivia, I want to do this for 30 days.  I know I’m stuck being a lot of silly, small fears and I think this challenge may be just the push I need to get me out of this fear rut.

It’s kind of scary to post my be brave things from each day because you are possibly going to shake your heads and think, What a WUSS! THAT took courage? Anyone can do that. Pffft.  So I guess this blog post is a Be Brave thing, eh?

There are a whole mountain of tiny things I have been putting off and off and off and off for MONTHS because of small fears or low level anxiety around them. Yet that is probably a good place to start…with a baby step or two. Who knows where I might build up to over 30 days?

SO! Day one was yesterday. My first small challenge was to try driving my car in the auto-stick mode for the first time. That was fun. Somehow I had managed to build some fear/anxiety around trying that for the first time.

Actually, there was something else before that…the night before. I have been going around for a year with this huge chip on my shoulder, this giant pet peeve that has to do with something in this household. The refrigerator is very full all the time. And so I had this story going in my head that I couldn’t buy myself grapes for my lunch or veggies to have on hand because there was no way to keep them cold. No room left in the fridge for my stuff.

The fact is that the pet peeve was just my way of avoiding asserting myself and claiming something for myself that I need for my health and wellbeing. Instead of broaching this subject with another household member, I just went around denying myself what I needed and grumbling in the shadows.  ENOUGH.  I bought the grapes. I made room in the fridge to stash them until morning. I ate them at work.

The third brave thing I did Tuesday was stay with meditating past the point when I usually give up on my fidgety self.

The fourth brave things I did that day was tell my supervisor that I still haven’t started work on the procedure manual she asked me to start writing when I had time.  Well, I haven’t had time. Or haven’t made time. Maybe the project is overwhelming me and I’m procrastinating.  In any case, I told her.  Her response left me with a new challenge. While I feel I am barely keeping on top of my case load and don’t have time for this extra project, she reminded me that my case load is a lot smaller than a few months ago.  So what’s my excuse?

Starting the damn thing might be another day’s challenge. I think the key to being able to start will be reminding myself that it doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be the best procedure manual ever written on planet earth. SIGH.  Sometimes I want to hit myself in the head with a self-help book.

Today I only had one Be Brave thing on my agenda. I was to pick up the phone and make an appointment for a massage or some sort of body work. It doesn’t help that we are not supposed to make such calls from our desks and the only phone we are permitted to use for personal calls is high on the wall in the small, crowded deli.  Once again, I was using the inconvenient setup as an excuse to grumble day in and day out about what stupid company would not give their employees a private area where they can make calls.

Now that I’m tackling these small things, it feels like a Feng Shui master has rearranged the furniture in my psychic space. The air is moving again.

Yesterday I had to get some tax papers out and ended up sitting in the middle of the den cleaning out and re-labelling all my files. I had so much energy yesterday, it was almost scary. Instead of leaving things at the top of the stairs for the next time I went down, or at the foot of the stairs for the next time I went up, I ran up and down all evening in this “no time like the present” state of mind.