Day 3 Lots of Pills

Today was day 3 on something new I’ve decided to try for anxiety and crazy head, for lack of a better word.

I was thinking back today on how far I’ve come since I was a kid. I no longer have OCD to the degree I did and I no longer compulsively pull out my eyelashes. It is a bummer having no eye lashes; a lot of dirt gets in your eyes and other kids tease you.

With Seasonal Affective Disorder, I would get progressively more down through the winter until by March I would be almost… you know. Let’s just say desperate. Let’s just say having one of those meltdowns where you curl up in the fetal position and don’t go to work, you get someone to call in sick for you.

I’ve had some pretty good years, thanks to therapy and Effexor and good environment.

Then I went on this health food kick: no gluten, sugar, caffeine, dairy, etc. and suddenly it just didn’t feel right putting the pills in my body. I wanted to try to phase off them.  The jury is still out on whether that was the dumbest thing I ever did. Maybe it was the smartest. In any case, I am still trying to build coping skills and ways of staying off the meds without going bonkers.

No doubt about it, I’ve become more anxious again. Social phobia has returned.  This is making it hard for me to get back into therapy for a while or find a new chiropractor. It’s even hindering the process of finding an apartment. I do not like picking up the phone.  Pretty hard to schedule a massage or do so many of the things I need for self-care when I refuse to make phone calls. Ack!

Fortunately, I was able to register for yoga ONLINE! Hooray for email.

Ane Pema’s recorded weekend retreat Getting Unstuck is helping. Olivia blogged the other day about a book she just finished. One passage she posted struck me and stayed with me.  It’s about acting as if the fear were not in your way.  This notion aligned perfectly with the section of Getting Unstuck I was listening to where Ane Pema talks about the huge impact the movie A Beautiful Mind had on her. I can’t really quote the whole thing here; just know it has been helping me. In fact, I can’t recommend that 3-CD set highly enough. I’ve listened to it about twenty times now.

For me both “act as if” and Ane Pema’s movie scene both showed me that maybe I can find a way of tricking my mind into looking the other way just long enough for me to DO IT.  I have these neural pathways that are so very rigid. But if I can find a way to punch through, I am making an easier future for myself.  If I cave in and follow the same behavioural route as always, I am making an even harder future for myself.

I would like to be co-ordinating all these efforts (mindfulness training, the nutritional support, etc.) under the guidance of a counsellor, preferably one who is into MBCT. But alas, that would require two things: 1) for there to be such a therapist in the WIndsor area, and 2) for me to be able to pick up the phone.