Not Worm Food Yet

Last night I fell asleep meditating on my corpse.  That’s from The Miracle of Mindfulness. I am not sure what Thich Nhat Hanh means by meditate on it, so I just pictured it and chewed on the whole idea of my eventual death. I imagined how my death might come about, but didn’t spend too much time on that part. I imagined a hospital orderly tossing my glasses into the donation bin for the Optimist’s Club.

There’s my stuff. I don’t need it anymore.

The main part of the fantasy was to focus on my body becoming worm food. Never mind that I want to have my organs donated, body to science or whoever wants it and if anything is left, cremated. I don’t care about markers or graves.  But I humoured Thich Nhat Hanh and imagined worms eating my face.

Pretty revolting. Not easy.

But I did it. I went there.

And it did have an effect.

I awoke in the morning with the thought, “HEY, girlie! You’re not worm food yet!”

I looked down at my living body and it was good.  One breath in. One breath out.

I’m really glad I’m still here…for now…and can breathe in and out.

I was tired, though. I had slept fitfully, so both of us were tired. I started to feel that dread of facing the day. I started to feel tempted to pull the covers over my head and sleep late, not leaving time for morning meditation or Pema CD in the parking lot.

Then I realized… this feeling of wanting to pull my head back inside the turtle shell and this story in my head that is starting to play about workdays being burdensome and something to try to avoid for as long as possible… this is a chance to practice the 4 Rs!

Recognize the Shenpa. I said, “Shenpa!”

Refrain from acting on it. This meant don’t pull the covers over my head or roll over for 5 more minutes. I GOT UP.

Relax into the feeling. And so as I stepped into the shower, I cut the story loose like cutting a kite string and stayed with the feeling. I put my hands over my chest to acknowledge where the icky energy ball was sitting on me. Then I relaxed into it. I said, “Hello, icky dread feeling!”

Resolve. I resolved to continue nipping Shenpa in the bud for the rest of my life.  Or the rest of the day, whichever came first. :) Ahem.

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My next chance to practice the 4 Rs came in the kitchen. I was putting the dishes away as I do every morning. Every morning Ma stays on the sofa in the adjoining family room doing her word search puzzles and she does not bother me or talk to me. I LIKE IT THAT WAY.

But this time she got up and came into the kitchen.  As she passes within inches of my back on her way to open a drawer, I felt my body tense.

Shenpa! I didn’t stop to analyze why her proximity makes me flinch. I reminded myself that she is a nice person, not a tiger in the jungle who is about to bite me.

I recognized, refrained, relaxed into the feeling, resolved.

Then we had a nice short chat about whether I’d seen a missing mixing bowl lately.

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After Pema CD time and meditation in the parked car, I went into work. No dread. I was just feeling happy not to be worm food yet.

I decided I could use this not being worm food yet idea as a tool, a way to gain perspective and release attachment to outcome.  I can pretend that I have come back in time from my own death just to revisit my life. Mind you, the events of my life have already played themselves out; I cannot alter them. I can only observe.

And so I pretend I’m a scientist or tourist just back visiting.  I am curious. I am fascinated. I enjoy touching, smelling, tasting, looking around me.

I got an email from G. It is her job to send paid claims to the government health program, which reimburses us a small portion of each claim we paid out. She sometimes catches mistakes we’ve made on claims. Her email said that she’d found a claim where I had paid out the “Every Day Price” of 113.99 instead of the “YOU PAY ONLY” price of 7.76 for a prescription, so if I would call Mrs. S and tell her about the overpayment, she would send the letter requesting the $106 back.

PHONE CALL? You want me to call this woman and tell her that I screwed up and now she has to write us a cheque for $106?

I had only been panicking for a few seconds before I realized it was a gift. A stack of books and tapes only goes so far if all you do is read them and never APPLY what they are trying to teach you, Kel

This is an opportunity, Kelly! I said to myself. This is a chance to see if you can BEGIN etching a new neural pathway by doing things completely differently.

And so I summoned the spirit of myself returned from worm food and remembered…on some plane or in some dimension, I am are already dead. This phone call already took place and it all worked out fine. Whether the woman berated you or cried or yelled or what…none of it really had any bearing on that day you became worm food.

This worked. I felt light and detached from outcome.

I remembered to be a scientist of my own spiritual experience.  It wasn’t hard to feel a sense of curiosity and wonder because I WAS curious to see how it would feel to do this lightly and without fear for once. It felt like finding out what’s behind door number three.

So instead of spending the next hour fretting over this call, I just dialed really quickly before giving myself time to think about what I was doing.

She answered and after I explained why I was calling, she said, “okay.”  I think she was just relieved I wasn’t addressing the issue of whether she noticed the overpayment before depositing the cheque.

Pema’s talks have done their job on me. She has completely convinced me of the truth in the idea that each time you go down the path of aversion or avoidance or numbing out or indulging in the crazy behaviour, you reinforce that habituation. You make it even harder for yourself down the road.

But if you catch the Shenpa early, it’s easier.