Not-A-Victim Dreams

I had another intriguing dream last night.  I dreamed I was walking around outside with my cat Prozac, who has been dead since 1999.  This fellow Bruce whom I used to date was stalking us and trying to shoot us. I was carrying her and trying to find a good hiding place, trying to keep ahead of him. He was using a scooter, though I don’t know why. It seemed normal in the dream.  I thought I really had outfoxed him when I ran a few extra blocks in one direction and hunkered down behind a low wall in some leaves near a big tree. I had Prozie with me and I thought we were safe.

But then Bruce, who was going up one street and down another, coming ever closer, entered the street where we were hiding. I knew it was just a matter of time before he shined a light our way and saw us there.

Suddenly clarity came down upon me like Grace and I realize what I had to do. I don’t have to cower there like a silly victim.  I pick up Prozac, stand straight up and I just start walking home. I don’t care if he sees us. I walk past him.  He tries to shoot us but misses and I make it back to our old house in Little Rock where I lived from age 8 to adult. Suddenly the person following us isn’t Bruce on the scooter but my brother Mike in his wheelchair.  I am angry with him for intimidating me and I grab him down below and stare into his eyes. Clenching my teeth, I say in a very low and menacing voice: Do not do that again.  Then, just to drive my point home, I grab the hair on his head in my fist near the scalp so it hurts. I just grip it like that for two seconds.

I then turn and walk away toward the house.

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I’m starting to see a pattern in these new dreams.  In the beginning of each dream, there is something or someone menacing. That someone or something would wield power over me, take something from me or harm me or those I need to protect. In each dream there is a turning point when I realize I need not be a victim at all. I am only a victim if I let myself be.  If I choose, I can take the power back.  And I do.

I thought about this dream for quite a while after waking this morning.  I can very clearly see situations in my life right now where I allow myself to feel victimized. I frame things in such a way that I don’t see choices for myself. I see traps.

After this dream, I stopped to realize that the doors on the traps are standing wide open. I can walk out of them any time I please.

I know there are two ways I can leave what I have come to see as traps.  One: I can physically leave, as in when one quits a job.  Or two: I can initiate a shift inside myself so that where I am is where I choose to be.