Mike Milks a Goat (and other journal excerpts)

On Tuesday Mom brought Mike up to tour the Heifer Ranch. He might be able to get a volunteer gig there, which would include room and board, so they had to see if it was accessible.

Mike got to milk a goat. Then Mom took him back to Little Rock and BR went back, too, leaving me to my requested alone time. With pushy extroverts, you have to call it G_d time so they’ll respect it and back off, but with fellow introverts you can just say “alone time” and they get it.

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In Sylvain I have been sent the love of my life. He embodies every quality I asked for when I wrote my wish list to the Universe and put together my vision board. But… the stresses of living with his parents is putting a strain on me and on our relationship.  I would love to give him the gift of seeing what kind of partner I can be when I’m happy rather than stressed and depressed.  I believe we could take this marriage to a whole new level.

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Tuesday evening – at 6:30 Mister Jones came by for his bacon. I don’t want to turn on any lights, want to sit here with the hum of the refrigerator, chorus of crickets, choir of dogs and let the pink sky be my only light.

I had forgotten who I am when I am not depressed/oppressed/suppressed. I am joyful. Full of peace.  At one with what is.

I love life. THIS is my basic nature. This is my natural state of Being.  Thank you, Gd/dess, for this reminder of WHO I AM. It is not gone.

Tuesday night – My first night alone, I reach page 81 in The Power of Now.  Tears stream. YES! I weep. I get it. Even in the house in Windsor, I must remain alert, waiting on my master’s return. You never know when Gd/dess could come calling. you can’t be asleep at the wheel.  Re-read page 81.

This epiphany could not have happened had I not been 100% alone out here. No way.

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Wednesday – Mister Jones has taught me to play chase with him.  His legs are about longer than I am tall, so he covers the whole loop in four bounds. He knows I can’t catch him.  WOOF!  Try to catch me, he begs.  I say WOOF back at him and “I’m gonna GETCHA!”  Then I spring after him.  Oh, he loves it.  If I stop, he chases me next. WOOF!

Mister Jones is a fabulous aerobics instructor.

A fisherman is floating by on his small motor boat, casting his line into the mist.

Cows are mooing.

A fish crow says Ah-ah.

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IDEA: Sylvain and I should have five minutes of silence once or twice a day–maybe at the beginning of the day and at the end of the day, to invite the Divine into our relationship.  Then on Sunday start our weekly check-in with a minute or 2 of silent meditation to centre and ground us in the Now.

The Great Blue Heron is crawking.  There is a five-foot tall spider web by the water. Miracle.

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Morning Pages -

Cormorant flew over.  Two Osprey circled the cove while a third one stopped to kite over the water before moving on.  The wildlife out here is unbelievable. We have seen small deer cross the road on three occasions and have seen two coyotes, one dead and one crossing the road in front of the car.

I am learning to return to the Now. Learning to open the door for Being. Be like a servant waiting on your master’s return, ever alert. Keep the lamp burning.

If you, Kelly, are going to live there with bitterness, then it is better for the whole Kosmos that you not live there at all.

Someone put awful brown shutters and a big brown stripe on mom’s old house. Ack.  Ha! Smile. Come back to the Now. “Judge, judge, judge.” Whose world do you poison when you think like that? YOUR OWN! You clutter your own sacred space, your G_d entertaining room, when you judge, chatter, covet, moan, bitch, whine. It is the mental equivalent of having a pig sty of a house. How can you welcome the Host? It’s like being given a free room on earth and I can’t even fit in it, nor can Spirit for all the crap lying and stacked around. Negativity. WOW. Clear it OUT. Find the off switch.

Come to the Now.

Churrr churrr churrr of the Red-bellied Woodpecker.  Teacher-teacher-teacher says the wren. Sun reflects off water and onto the undersides of leaves. Dear BR, thank you for sharing with me…time, words, heart. I used a lot of the Burt’s Bees stuff and I know it isn’t cheap, so I left a little money tucked inside the Woman’s Wisdom book.  Everything is temporal except G_d. Die before you die and realize there is no death. Have no fear. You cannot fail. What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? Sapsucker. Chickadeedeedee. Be still and know that I am. I can clearly see that I am afraid to take risks.

Becky across the road takes therapy dogs to the nursing home. Therapy dogs. Ok, so yes, I can see how I am too timid and paralyzed. With the right environment, an encouraging one, I could break out. Exterminator? Oh, thank you BR for talking my mom out of spraying the bugs. If you open up the wash house door and leave it open for a few hours during the day, the monkey crickets that scare my mom will vacate. There is no need for pesticides.

Blue Jay squawk! Kree kree kree. Quiet now. No traffic noise. One airplane. Uncle Bill would have loved this place. Mister Jones is lying down in the leaves, tired from our romp. I am already so in love with him that to see him hurt would tear me apart. He is watching over us all. He was especially curious about Mike, spent more time sniffing him.

Someone across the road started hammering. It sounded like a mallet on something hollow, resounding through the cove. Mister Jones didn’t like it at all. WOOF stop that.  WOOF WOOF I said stop that.  He had to get up and go take care of it. Mister Jones owns the whole loop. Other dogs are penned and he is not. He takes this to mean he is the overdog whose duty it is to take good care of us all.  And pee on everything.

Heard a Great Horned Owl last night. Yellow-throated warbler creeps along branches looking for insects. Black-throated blue sometimes takes to the ground. Blackpoll is an abundant migrant. Mixed flocks often include kinglets.

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I was crouched at the water’s edge with The Wildflowers of Arkansas by Carl G. Hunter (Sandy’s grandfather) when a green anole jumped onto a cypress knee not two feet away.  The turtle noses are sometimes six at once poking up out of the water. The flower in question is Commelina Diffusa (Spreading Day Flower) in the Day flower / Spiderwort family.

Fixed myself an omelette for lunch and ate it on the deck. Mister Jones showed up just in time for the last two big bites. Smart dog.

White-breasted Nuthatch here now. A Red-bellied Woodpecker is knocking on the shed roof. LOUD. Fish Crow, Phoebe, Eastern Bluebirds! Tufted Titmouse, squirrels scolding, chickadees. I feel like I’m in the garden of Eden.

GUNSHOT.