Uncovering a Sense of Balance (Finding Water, Week Four)

I’m having fun with week four. I have read a fair way into the chapter and have done a few of the Divining Rod exercises already. In the Divining Rod exercise on 107/8, Cameron says we naturally focus on those things we have yet to do. It takes effort to remain aware of our past accomplishments. Boy, does it! It takes no effort at all for my head to fill itself with noise about what a poor house steward I’ve been, how I’ve become less useful at work, that I might be about to mess up my life, that I’m a coward for wanting to write my goodbye to Anna instead of paying for one more session just to close things off maturely and properly. The list goes on while my achievements fade to background and grow smaller, smaller, microscopic.

Take pen in hand, she says, and list ten things you have accomplished already that you are proud of. You may wish to praise yourself for more than ten accomplishments. Sometimes she asks her students to enumerate fifty!

1. Survived childhood sexual abuse and the subsequent years of mistreatment by many due to the resulting self-esteem issues; worked hard to become a woman who is at ease with sexuality and very comfortable with her body.
2. Learned a few languages.
3. Hitchhiked western Europe alone for several months.
4. Lived in Japan for a year, studied the language furiously and immersed myself in the culture.
5. Came back to the U.S. and finished my B.A. –thanks, Mom!
6. On returning from Japan, taught basic Japanese language and culture to American children for a year.
7. Left behind a drinking problem.
8. Overcame an overeating problem and now stick faithfully to a very healthy menu.
9. Was a constant and supportive wife to my first husband for seven years in spite of the fact that our marriage consisted only of letters and weekly supervised four-hour visits.
10. Gave myself permission to move on with my life when I realized he was not getting out of prison sooner than 2012.
11. Started life all over again in a new country.
12. Entered Jungian analysis and stuck with that arduous work of excavating my psyche for over three years.
13. Finally realized my dream of owning a house.
14. Two years and some months later, had the wisdom and courage to admit I’d bitten off more than I could chew. Put house up for sale.
15. Taught myself Visual Basic for Applications, immensely increasing my job skills and satisfaction.
16. Gave up car ownership; learned to walk and bike and bus everywhere.
17. Realizing I was frittering away many hours of my life, gave away my television.
18. Learned to write a “knock-em dead” cover letter and resume and to carry myself with tremendous confidence during job interviews.
19. Trained myself to be a strong advocate and negotiator for myself during performance / salary reviews.
20. Started a web log, giving myself the creative writing outlet I’d needed forever without even knowing how desperately I needed it.

Hey, I’m doing okay! There is truly no reason for me to feel like a big, bumbling failure. I’m a bit off track right now, especially with managing my finances. But I’ll get there. I’ll get there.