Drastic Changes You May Regret Later

Ok, I hope NOBODY thought that I was implying that people should just willy nilly go around taking themselves off medication. I definitely believe that people with certain types of diabetes need insulin, people with high blood pressure need their blood pressure medicine and people with brain chemistry imbalances can also often benefit tremendously from meds, including SSRIs.

I wish that when I sat down across from Anna on Monday and started crying and rattling off all these things that were making me ANGRY grrrrrrrrrr that I had been enough in touch with my feelings to realize that I was angry with her. And with myself. Anytime I fail to speak up for myself, anytime I am not assertive in a situation that calls for assertiveness, I end up pissed off at Kelly. I think/feel, “KELLY!!! Not again!!! Why didn’t you tell him how you really felt? Why didn’t you say, “that doesn’t seem right.” “That doesn’t strike me as fair.” “I don’t find that acceptable.” “No, that price is too high.” “Yes, that would inconvenience me… how about the next day?”

I’m getting better.

But it’s still bloody difficult.

I remember the first time Anna went away. She reported a conversation she’d had with a colleague who is a therapist, but not a Jungian analyst. She related to me that this colleague had asked her, “isn’t it hard on your clients when you go away for so long?” Anna had told the friend, “No, Jungian analysis is different. The Jungian analysand does okay with that.” And I had just sat and silently nodded. I am very suggestible. When my mom would then ask me, “isn’t it hard when Anna goes away for so long?” I would just parrot back what Anna had said to be true. We are different, Mom. We are JUNGIAN analysands.

I have only had two full-blown anxiety / panic attacks in my life. The first one occurred when I was in my early twenties. I was starting therapy with a new person, Linda. I sat in the waiting room, having arrived a bit early. I have loosened up a bit since then, but used to be obsessively punctual, always arriving 10 minutes early for everything.

Three o’clock came and my new therapist did not call me in.

Five past three came and still no Linda.

I wondered if I would still be expected to pay for the full 45 minutes if we only got 35 minutes together.

At 3:15 Linda finally rushed out, practically panting, and ushered me into her office. But she wasn’t ready. She had to go tell the receptionist something; she’d be right back. Make yourself comfortable, she said.

So the session started late. I then told myself that to make up for it, Linda would keep us 15 minutes past the scheduled end of that session.

But she didn’t. At 3:45 she looked at her watch and brought our session to a close.

I needed to say something. I needed to find out if I would get that lost 15 minutes back next time…or ever. As I tried to open my mouth and form the words, I found I was breathing funny. I was hyper-ventilating. I began to see little spots swimming in front of my eyes. I thought I might vomit.

Linda noticed I was in distress, had me put my head between my legs. She got me a glass of water. When I could breathe normally again, she asked me, “what was that all about?”

I just stared at her. I still couldn’t make myself utter the words. I couldn’t string together the syllables.

I sat there with her rubbing my back, her face inches from mine. Her eyes were full of compassion. I was trying so hard to speak. My face contorted and I started to cry.

“I needed to say…”

Pant. Pant. Pant.

“I was trying to tell you….”

“It’s okay,” she said. “Take your time. Breathe. Have some more water.”

I sipped the water. I breathed more. And finally I told her what was on my mind.

Linda gave me a big hug.

“You’re right,” she said. “I’ve had a few people tell me lately that I’m trying to do too much. My schedule is too packed and my clients are suffering. They are feeling rushed. Know what? I am going to cut my client load. We just hired a new counselor and I’m going to see if some of my patients wouldn’t mind seeing her. I am doing too much.”

She looked in my eyes and smiled in a very warm and genuine way.

“That took a lot of courage, didn’t it?”

I nodded, still gasping, still dabbing at my eyes with the Kleenex Linda had slipped into my hand.

Here is it twenty years later and I still can’t tell a therapist when I feel short-changed. Or angry. Or hurt. My deepest issue is, after all, ABANDONMENT.

Shit. No, what I do is I change therapists. I write a letter: “It’s been fun. I’m outta here.”

Arrrrgh. I think I’ll go over to Violet’s house and howl with the beagle.

===

Depression Self-Check Results
Your responses were:

Sadness: Somewhat
Discouragement: Not at all
Low self-esteem: Not at all
Inferiority: Not at all
Guilt: Not at all
Indecisiveness: Somewhat
Irritability and frustration: Somewhat
Loss of interest in job: Somewhat
Loss of motivation: Somewhat (job only)
Poor self-image: Not at all
Appetite changes: Not at all – eating smart, weight is perfect
Sleep changes: Not at all – getting 8 hours a night
Loss of libido: Not at all
Hypochondriasis: Not at all
Suicidal impulses: Never have

Your score was 5 out of a possible 45.

Ok, now let’s try this one!

Midlife Checklist
Is change coming? Experts suggest the following signs indicate you may be in the process of re-evaluating your life:

• Discontent with life or lifestyle?   YES
• Boredom with people and things in your life?   NO, just job.
• Dissatisfied with marital relationship?   n/a
• Feelings of adventurousness, recklessness and desire to do something completely different?  YES!!!!
• Lack of zest for life?  NO, have lots of zest.
• Questioning the meaning of life and previous decisions?   Yes, questioning my career path.
• Confusion about who you are and where your life is going?   Not confusion per se.
  
• Burnout or prolonged high level of stress?  Slight feeling of burnout in job, but not stressed.
• Depression, continuous irritability, moodiness, overall apathy?   No.
• Inability to relax during downtime?   Not at all.
• Need to achieve more, thinking it will make you happy when you do?   No.
• Feelings of inadequacy or dependence?   No.
• Anxiety disorder, feelings of anxiety in general or feelings of anxiety about the future?   No, very excited about the future.
• Alcohol, drug, gambling or other addictive behaviours?   No, I’m in healthier patterns than ever before.
• Question the value of contributions at work?    YES!

If you feel any of these symptoms, it may be time to take a step back and think about where you are in your life. Talking to a professional counselor or therapist can help you go through the process of realigning your life with your goals and values without making drastic changes that you may regret later.

Photo by Ann-Kathrin Rehse