Anna and I saw it again and again, revealed through my dreams. Whenever I made a positive choice for my life, whenever I was in the middle of the proverbial two steps forward, I would receive a visit from one of my dark Shadows. Anna said that when we begin to wrest power away from them, they rear their ugly heads and give us all they’ve got. They pull out all the stops. It has to get worse before it can get better, sometimes. Turning away from unhealthy behaviour and toward self care can often result in what feels like withdrawal from a nasty addiction. It can suck. It can hurt. The old familiar will call to you, try to lure you back again.
I’m pleased to report that I am over that early phase of turning toward loving myself. Last night’s dream, though, revealed just where I am.
I dreamed about someone I haven’t seen in probably 25 years. Octavio and I dated for a year or so when I was in high school.
In the dream, Octavio had come back to see me. He was checking in with me…I don’t recall any words spoken but the feeling was that he was checking to see if I wanted to get back with him. His wife was in the room but standing off to the back, giving us space for our little exchange but keeping a very close eye on us. I felt a stronger connection to her than to him, to be honest.
No, I do not want to get back with you, Octavio. I have moved on to something very different, something better for me.
What part of my psyche does this tall, dark, black-clad figure represent? He was very macho, acculturated to believe that his woman is similar to property. I thought he was a very sweet boyfriend at that time, but back when I was 15 and 16 years old, I didn’t think about feminism or sexism or machismo. Back then I was more than a bit drawn to bad boys. At that age, I thought that men who were kind to me were boring.
Not too long ago, probably a couple of months ago, I decided to put down on paper on the back page of my dream journal my wish list for a relationship. I must confess that by the time I blogged “dare I make out such a list?” I already had. By the time I wrote that on my blog, someone had already appeared in my life, in fact. I was simply struggling with the possibility that in sending this particular person into my life, the Universe might be answering my cosmic want ad, but in a way I had not anticipated.
At the same time I was so audacious as to write out a list of wants, I began observing couples around me who have good relationships. I paid special attention to my friends Violet and Coffee. They love seeing each other happy. They are sweet and tender with one another. They do little things for one another all the time. When around them, I would listen, watch, observe and absorb the energy, trying to visualize myself in a relationship that felt like that and looked something like that.
If I review the pattern of my relationships, I see two kinds. There have been ones that nurtured me and made me feel wanted and loved and accepted for who I am. Then there have been those that were either blatantly oppressive and toxic OR involved men who–through no fault of their own–were simply emotionally unavailable. My last three relationships (18 months, 6 weeks and one year respectively) were with:
A) a man whose mother will always occupy the place in his life most men open up for a partner;
B) a man with no interest in a deep, committed, long-term relationship;
C) a man who lives in a hermetically sealed bubble and is incapable of talking about feelings or the relationship and had no interest in learning to do so.
Because he is a sweet, smart, fascinating man, I tried and tried to accept him as he is, tried to do without verbal communication around these subjects. But I finally realized that an inability to talk about emotions and motives and the relationship itself is one of my deal-breakers. It’s a MUST HAVE.
My very first love–whom I met when I was 14–treated me very, very well. Although he was ten years older than I, he honoured and respected me and called himself a feminist before I knew what the word meant. I was not nice to him in the end. I remember one day he said to me with great compassion and a hint of sadness in his voice, “you don’t love yourself.” He understood why I was driving him away, though I didn’t see it then.
In Jungian work, I learned that one reason I sometimes hooked up with abusive men or sexist men or men invested in the mask of machismo was that I have a part of me that aligns with that type. There is a Bad Boy who lives inside me and who used to like to see me subjugated. That part of me–my negative animus–would hook into the guy and those two would turn against me. They were in cahoots.
Now I have a man who has just appeared on the periphery of my life (Hi, Sylvain). He is extending his hand, inviting me to join him. He is the antithesis of the Bad Boy archetype. He is a lot like the loving, communicative, caring people I have been holding up lately as my role models of healthy love. He reminds me of the few people I’ve ever allowed to treat me very, very well.
I dreamed about Octavio because my negative animus feels threatened by my new choice. Are you sure you want to go with HIM, it is asking me.
Tavi, you are very sexy and your Bad Boy look is thrilling. But I am so done with that.
Bringing together a rich and diverse musical experience from five different countries and spanning several decades, the members of Son Ache met in Toronto to interpret and compose their favourite music; Cuban son montuno, the root of contemporary salsa. With their combined years of experience playing traditional son, the Son Ache sound is solidly based in the Cuban guajiro tradition of guitars, percussion and voices; and, reflecting the particular strengths of the musicians and the chemistry of the group is revitalized by incorporating more aggressive, high-energy rhythms. The result is a contemporary urban ‘edge’ that broadens the appeal of sw»to a wider audience of dancers and music lovers.
